BREAKING NEWS: LONDON MEN'S SELF-HELP PUB CRAWL GROUP "IN CRISIS"
22 June 2002
Almost a year since the London Men's Self-Help Pub Crawl Group website was last updated, rumours have begun to circulate of a crisis within the institution. One furious insider described the situation in no uncertain terms. "The site has only just been updated to include Liechtenstein - we did that crawl thirteen months ago. In the meantime we've done Stationlink and been to Vilnius, but there's not even any mention of those yet. How many people do you know who've been to Vilnius? I mean, this is interesting stuff, he should just get on with it and stop complaining about having to proofread a pavement or whatever his latest excuse is." Another group member, who slammed the latest website additions as "too little, too late", had this blunt advice: "he should either put up, or shut up".
The target of this increasingly bitter invective is Robert, the strategic director of the group's vertical marketing presence. But attempts to confront him about the current state of affairs were met with a torrent of abuse. "Where the fuck do you get off talkin' to people 'bout me behind my back going over my head?" screeched a prepositionally inarticulate Joe Pesci.
With no indication as to when the most recent two pub crawls will be documented, it is also claimed that the group have run out of ideas. But that's "a nonsense" according to Pad, who enthusiastically detailed his idea for a pub crawl based on the route of the London Marathon. "Look, there's 26.2 miles. Let's assume we walk at 4 miles per hour, that means we could get round the course in under 7 hours. If we assume a drinking day of 11 a.m. to 11 p.m., that gives us 5 hours to spend actually at pubs." But support for this plan is said to be lacking. "Let's just say this: doing the Marathon route would involve drinking in Woolwich" complained one of the group, who wished to remain anonymous.
Membership, too, is proving to be problematic. Simon claimed to be "too busy" to go to Vilnius last month, while Alex hasn't been on any of the last three crawls. It is not clear whether Alex has now been permanently excluded from the group, on the basis of a three-strikes-and-you're-out policy, or simply reprimanded for being a timewaster of the worst order.
Now that all aspects of the group's activities seem to be in disarray, some concerned members are said to have formed the London Men's Self-Help Pub Crawl Group Crisis Support Outreach Network, providing a forum for the dicussion and working-through of group issues. One of the fruits of their collective self-analysis is the only glimmer of hope: London's newest bus route, RV1, is being targeted as a potential candidate for the next crawl.
With completion of the East London Line extension still several years off, RV1 may just turn out to be the crawl which ensures the group's survival.
JULY 2002: UPDATE!
In a rare show of cohesion, the entire London Men's Self-Help Pub Crawl Group are said to be planning a visit to the Great British Beer Festival on the evening of Thursday 8 August.
PREVIOUS NEWS (NOW TRADING AS OLDS)
24 July 2001: T2K SITE FINALLY LAUNCHED; NEXT CRAWL REVEALED